Eat. Pray. Love.

While cleaning my living room facing kitchen, I decided to finally watch Eat. Pray. Love. Julia Roberts is one of my absolute favorite actresses and I’ve heard many great things about the movie and book. Though I was busy scrubbing dishes, my dishwasher on the verge of early retirement, there were a few things she said that made me stare up at the tv wide eyed in amazement. On top of that, the character’s name is Liz and the guy she is dating is named David. I had to laugh.   

                Here’s a quote that caught my attention, and if you know me at all, you know why I can relate:

Liz paces back and forth in her friend/therapists office she says “Since I was 15, I’ve either been with a guy, or breaking up with a guy! I have not given myself two weeks of a breather to just deal with, you know, myself!” Therapist says “What’s going on with you and David?” Haha, that has nothing to do with it, I just found humor in the name similarities. Earlier in the movie, she reads one of her writings to an audience. In the writing, she basically compares relationships to a drug addiction. That’s how it is for some of us, and for those of us who can relate, she is right on.

In life, sometimes we lose ourselves. I know exactly what it feels like as I am going through it right now. I have no idea who I am. I am scared to even step out and try stuff in fear of failure. Even my most controlled experiments have ended in failure.  I am NOT a risk taker. I will do things if they are well controlled by myself or someone I trust (which is no one), or if I am prepared beyond measure. I don’t really feel like I need to take a trip around the world to figure out who I am. There are some things in my life that I am very satisfied with and sure about. I love where I live and I am home here. I adore my husband. David was designed by God for me, and I have never loved any person place thing idea or feeling more than him. I know that I am a Christian and I have been sure of that since I was 4 years old. Other than those things, I am lost. I swear I lost myself at the age of 8. I love hearing stories about myself when I was little, like I’m hearing a story about someone else almost. Or maybe a missing child.

I think that’s why I have really clung to Oprah through the last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with everything she says and does. But that woman has her eggs in a basket. She is a very well rounded and put together woman (at least she appears as such to the world). Maybe I’ve tried to find my identity in people places and things, but those all have the ability to change. I know some things I like, I know some things I’m good at. But really, what use is it to be kinda good at a bunch of things, and not really good at any one thing? Soul searching in itself makes me tired and stressed.

I’m thinking about going back to college. Yes, again. I’m wondering when it’s actually going to stick. When am I going to go to college and end up in a career that I actually have a passion for. Maybe a “career” isn’t the right word. I love writing, playing my guitar, singing, photography, animals, and talking. Where the heck do you put all of those things together.  Jack of all trades? What?! That looks like a listing you would find in some dark category of craigslist. How do I find my purpose? Do I take career/personality tests online? Do I call a college advisor? Read my Bible? Pray?! NO idea.

Add insult to injury, or maybe the other way around…health problems. To have no purpose, sure, but then realize that your body hates you? It’s all quite frustrating, but I think I’m moving past that to the point of solution. I’ve accomplished my major goal: finding the perfect life partner. Now for the next steps. I wonder if it will jump out at me, or if it will take weeks, months, years maybe of wasted time and energy. This is where I came to the conclusion to stop “trying” to get pregnant. Why on earth would that seem like a good idea? “Gee I’m not sure who I am, maybe if I add a tiny person, they can help figure it out?!” NO, that’s called living out my dreams and repairing regrets through an innocent child. I won’t do it, on purpose. If I get pregnant at this point it’ll be an accident, no, a miracle.

Maybe it’s all deep rooted. I suppose the health stuff, family issues, man problems and broken bridges all have a major part in this deal. Yup, sounds like a tall order for a counselor. I’ll be getting on that this week. You can count on me to document most of it, because I know I’m not alone. I think a lot of people are in my position and it might help them to not feel alone.

“We all want things to stay the same, settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change and things crumbling to ruins. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” Eat. Pray. Love