My Valley Song: A Revealing of Me

I'm sitting in my sister's living room on the couch right now. It is almost 2am. I don't usually go to sleep til around 3am these days, call me a night owl. I'm listening to the "Valley Song" by Jars of Clay. This song always make me reflect deeply on my life. Though I am only 23, I have really had some "valleys" not only in many relationships, but also in my spiritual life. I have been one of the proudest people I know. Sometimes I held my pride and image above honesty. I just need to stop. I am only a human, and a Christian one at that. I really need to let go of my need to look good all the time. I feel like I need to make myself look better than I am, for all the times I have publicly shamed myself. I do care what people think, but I believe it's time that I get honest. Not that I outright lie, but I don't want to create a false image of myself to anyone. I want to maintain a humble and approachable attitude and appearance. My heart would just break if I knew that someone was discouraged, belittled or deterred from Christianity by my often hard and intimidating attitude.

Over the past few days my husband has been out of town and I had a mini identity crisis. I dug down and tried to really dissect the reasoning behind my actions. I believe I have been hurt and taken advantage of at a few points in my life so far. Many of us have, the only thing is some of us react very severely. We scar much thicker than necessary. When a wound heals, the skin over it, once scarred, is much thicker. Almost like that area is afraid that the same trauma will occur again...and is preparing by making skin that will resist such an incident.  I have been doing that for several years with my heart. Now is the time for me to stop. I look at the petty ridiculous arguments I have had with people, reacting like a scared animal when people bump my pride.

If you are reading and I have ever made you feel inferior, or I have hurt you in any way, I beg forgiveness!

Life is just too short for this. I want to be humble. I want people to say, "Well, I'm broke, but Liz and her family are too and look how happy they are. Wow, I heard they barely made rent, but they are still trusting the Lord. Hm, I want to be like that." I want people who are sad, struggling, hurt, burdened or in any way damaged to come to our doorstep and know that they will be greeted with a smile, hug and offered a seat in our home, at our table, on our couch. I want people to feel like they can tell us anything, or ask for advice and know that they will be lovingly guided toward Biblical truth. I just want to show the love of Christ. He is my best friend who always welcomes me to come talk to Him, to pour my heart out. To laugh, cry, and ask for advice. I want people to know that even though my house may be a wreck, my kids may be running all over, and I may be in my jammies with no make up on and hair resembling a small woodland creature, they will be welcomed and heard. I want to listen more than I talk (not easy for me, if you know me, you know it's true), I want to cry with people when they cry, and laugh when they laugh. I want to be quick to forgive and slow to anger, thoughtless words, quick judgements and hasty conclusions.  

I just can't live another day allowing my pride to control the way people see me. If I am humble, I am useful to the Lord. If the Lord can't use me, my life has no value in Heaven! I will be there a lot longer than I will be here, hello, it's eternity.

I can also be very bitter and I have been a grudge holder. To help build my humility, and stop hiding my fault in the name of my pride, here are some things I have gone through. If I don't share with people what I have been through, what good is my testimony? My hope is that through my past, I will be able to help change people's futures. Being approachable and being to relate to people and their experiences will help in the ministry. Therefore, my goal is not to expose every little thing about myself, but be more accessible to those who may need someone to talk to. SO...here it is. (this is a huge leap of faith for me).

Sometimes I get so bitter that I am struggling to get pregnant, when women who aren't even planning to...get pregnant. It's so tough!

I get so mad that I worked so hard in previous relationships and got my heart stomped on over and over! OUCH! (God was trying to show me the way out of those relationships)

For 2 1/2 years I chose to date and live with a man who was not a christian (and had no intention of being one). I put him above God. Oh I will never make that mistake again. I wasted several years that I should have been serving the Lord and I also made many poor choices that will affect me more than I thought. sowing=reaping.

I feel embarrassed that I was married at 19 and divorced at 20. That my husband didn't love me enough. No, that he hated me enough to push me around and hit me. I have blamed myself, blamed and hated others.

I regret not finishing college. All 3 times I tried unsuccessfully. (I earned my Veterinary Certification with a really good grade, but never paid my bill so I'm not certified...fail. Got mad and walked out of my internship)

I feel sad that all of my pathetic actions and decisions may have tarnished the "Happel" name. There have been times I have talked to people, who had no clue I was a Happel and I would just say nice things about them instead of admitting I was their daughter. I didn't want them to be hurt by being associated with me.

I would give almost anything to do high school over. What a waste.

Up until now, I have sucked at managing money.

I struggle with being a step mom.

I love my sister, but I used to be bitter that she was "successfully" married first and pregnant twice and gave birth once before I even married my real husband. I never verbalized this to her and NEVER let it effect our relationship. When I first held Arabella, my heart broke open and I cried hard. Bitter, angry, jealous tears. I love my niece and sister dearly, but I felt like a failure and a loser.

Now I struggle with infertility. This is  journey that may very well depend solely on my trust in the Lord. I have wavered in my faith terribly over the past several years and I believe the Lord could be testing me. Having wanted a houseful since I watched the first episode of Jon and Kate plus 8, this is a big deal for me.

I could grow an ulcer over my hair and personal appearance. I still have acne at 23.

I can barely live without a dog in my life.

I love smoking and I suck at quitting. I will someday. I just never trusted the Lord for strength.

I was never "addicted" but there were many times I used alcohol to cope with various struggles.

I have used words to tear holes into people. I always knew what I was doing, and I do regret it.

I have refused to be a "crier" to the point of severe headaches, just to avoid showing emotion. Refusing to appear "vulnerable" has caused me more pain than gain.

There have been times I would sooner jump in front of a semi than I would show any weakness or vulnerability.

I have passed harsh judgement and I have been too severe with people more times than I can recall.

I have been outraged by the "parting of ways" between myself and my cousins since we were children. I have been sickened by memories of us all loving each other and spending time together. Now we barely talk, and at times we are compared to each other by our mothers, causing further division. Life is simply too short.

I want people to see my flaws and know that I see the fault in them. I am a sinner, redeemed by grace and no better than anyone else. Through all these things, I want to bring glory to God for my redemption. I am grateful that I serve a God who looks on all of my ugliness and sees deep past all the scars. I serve a God who remembers when I was a "Happel". He remembers when He created me and who He meant for me to be. Ah, redemption. Oh, the cross of Calvary. Thank God for a Savior who can make water into wine, who can heal the blind and lovingly embrace the prodigal. I knew this day would come, when I could turn back to the faith of my youth and up bringing.

I hope through this blog readers can learn more about me and see that even the yuckiest most sinful human have access to grace.

To GOD be the glory for it all. What man meant for evil, God meant for good. It is never to late to run back into the arms of the Lord. He gave it all to us, and we owe him our lives.

Liz